Did You Kill Someone For That Pie?
Holidays. Am I right? I love love love the holidays. I am such a sucker for all things Christmas and Thanksgiving. But this year, there is a new guest attending. My eating disorder.
In the past, I’ve let the guilt eat at me for eating the leftover pie for breakfast. Or for eating so much that I feel like I could sleep for days. For having an extra glass of spiked egg nog. It is just normal to feel guilt for eating on a holiday that revolves around food. Or for eating more food during the holiday season in general. Expected.
Did you know that humans have evolved to need more calories during the cold months because our bodies use more energy trying to keep us warm? That’s right, your body wants you to eat that delicious food. But society has trained us to believe that during this season, we all must be ashamed of ourselves and strive to count calories, or avoid breakfast when you are going to a party that night. This is not okay. Guilt and shame should not have a place at our holiday tables. At least not when it comes to food.
When I feel guilty for what I’ve eaten, I try to punish myself with more food. I don’t “deserve” to enjoy it either. Well, I’m calling bullshit. I am totally allowed to eat that pie and that pie and drink that egg nog. I am allowed to have pie for breakfast for the next 3 days. If it is what my body wants. But you know what? If someone decides to talk to me for 3 hours about how sad I must be that my mom doesn’t get to meet my daughter and I want to drown my grief and anger in a cheesecake. Who the fuck cares. I didn’t kill anyone for that cheesecake.
I know that it will be a struggle for me. I am just starting to understand what it means to confront my feelings and not bottle them away. When I stuff my feelings down, I feel the need to binge because it hurts. It physically hurts to forever shove those uncomfortable feeling away. I’m learning that I need to allow those feelings to come to the surface. I need to let the air out of the bottle once in a while. I think my bottle might be too full and might need to spill over once in a while. And I’m scared of that. I’m scared because I have lost my coping mechanism. My coping mechanism has always been to eat and hide. Hide and eat. I can still do that if it what I need to do, but I’m realizing I don’t want to do it anymore. But this means I need to confront my feelings. And the holidays bring up a lot of feelings for me. This is the month my mom died, it’s also her birthday month. My husband recently told me he thought it was odd that I didn’t seem upset this year on her birthday or the day she died. And honestly. I couldn’t. I was around people who I couldn’t always trust with these incredibly sensitive emotions.
I told my therapist this week that I don’t want to be a burden on anyone and I think my story might make me too much. I believe that. She didn’t. She strongly believes that if I am too much for someone than they are too little for me.
I have a tough task ahead of me. Trying to wade through mass amounts of food, family, and feelings without my coping mechanism. But one thing I am determined about throughout this holiday season? I will not feel guilty about any of it.
After all, I didn’t kill anyone for that pie.